The thought of starting life over at 50, in a way I hadn’t planned, was terrifying. Why was this happening to me? What had I done to deserve this? What hadn’t I done? Could I have avoided this, done something to prevent it? Feelings of resentment, anger, failure and loss were racing through me and all I wanted to do was run and hide.
Infidelity is devastating and I had experienced the worst form of it. I went to sleep happily married and woke up to the realization that my marriage was irreversibly broken; everything I thought to be true was, in fact, a total lie.
At first, like anyone else, I curled up, pulled the covers over my head, and didn’t want to face the truth. If I didn’t acknowledge it, it wasn’t real, right? If I stayed in bed long enough, with the curtains drawn, and ignored the issue, it would go away and things would be as they were before.
Four weeks had passed when I decide to force myself to face reality. I threw the covers off, swung my legs over the side of the bed, stood up and my pajamas promptly fell to the floor! As part of my “block the world out and your problems won’t exist” period, I’d also not eaten much.
Looking at my PJ’s pooled around my ankles and thinking, “You DID want to lose some weight.” I burst out laughing. One of those belly laughs where tears run down your face. I collapsed on the bed, rolling back and forth with laugh cramps, trying to catch my breath. It felt good to feel joy again, even for something small and silly.
In that moment of clarity, I decided I wasn’t going to hide from anything or anyone again. No matter what it took, I wasn’t going to allow anyone to take my joy from me…EVER!
After the pajama incident, I’ll call it my first day of awakening, I grabbed a pad of paper, went for a walk, filled my lungs with fresh air, and found a place to sit and really give a think about what I wanted my life to be from that point on.
I understood that, regardless of what had happened, I had to keep living. Life wasn’t going to stop, lots of people had been through what I had been through and worse and they lived. So I made a promise to never feel sorry for myself again. I had to be the one to change things; I was responsible for my own happiness.
The burning question was, “What did I want, what direction did I want my life to take?”. I wasn’t completely positive but I knew that it would involve being grateful for my new found freedom and giving back in some way.
Jobless and homeless at 50, I knew I had some serious decisions to make. I could try to pick up where I had left off 7 years earlier or I could create a new life; one that I had always wanted. I was determined to re-create myself.
I dedicated the next few months to healing, self-love and starting over. I lived, breathed, ate, and visualized everything I could using the Law of Attraction. I became a staunch student of “A Course In Miracles”, inhaling all I could from its teachings. Gabby Bernstein became my mentor and I ingested everything she’s ever written. Ellen became a source of joy for me. I watched her twice a day five days a week. Her kindness and energy drew me in and, for those few minutes that I watched her, I felt peace. In a way, she saved me from the despair I was feeling.
Every day I took a baby step towards healing. I made small attempts, any way I could, to appreciate and be grateful for the small things. This way of life felt right to me. But putting my efforts in creating a life that I wanted and being the manager of my own destiny was proving to be a bit difficult. I was, admittedly, a control freak. I needed to know how things were going to work out, and I wanted to be in control of everything.
The Law Of Attraction teaches us that we have to let go and trust that what we want will come to us. Doing that, allowing the Universe to figure it all out, was proving difficult. But once I learned how to live in the moment with gratitude and joy, my life quickly became truly amazing.
I’m not saying that it was magic, on the contrary. I had to take small, actionable steps toward the life I wanted. I had to believe without knowing the how, that it was all going to be okay and that I was going to achieve my greatest desires.
Manifesting the life you want takes practice. Once I decided what it was that I wanted I had to believe that I deserved it and learn to let go of the fear of the unknown to allow it to come to me. Eventually my life changed and even things that I didn’t know I wanted started to appear. The Universe is wonderful that way!
Today I am working as a public speaker and empowerment coach; helping women realize their own dreams of freedom from pain, fear, and self-doubt. I’ve traveled to 52 countries writing, spreading my message, and falling in love with myself.
Am I finished discovering who I am and what I want… I sure hope not! But the journey is the best part, isn’t it? Discovering what I want and doing exactly what I want, where I want, with whom I want is an exciting insight.
I’ve forgiven those who’ve hurt me and appreciate that, although no longer a part of my life, I have to be thankful for my experience with them because it has lead me to this place, this time, this me.
I’ve mended relationships with family and friends in a way that I wouldn’t have been able to do had I not learned what I have. I’ve accepted a new, more open way of seeing the world so that I don’t judge or care if I’m judged. I just let things be.
I’ve found joy in places that I never thought I could, and with people that I never thought I would. I’ve discovered things about myself and reached a level of self-awareness and love that I didn’t know was possible. I am me…but better!
Along the way I’ve drawn to myself the most amazing people and experiences. I celebrate what I’ve learned about myself with others and revel in the joy I see them achieve when they embrace self-love and awareness.
I’ve also accepted and embraced the fact that, although my heart was broken and scarred, when the time is right, I’ll love and trust again. He’s out there…somewhere…manifesting me.
The best thing about my journey is that I’ve discovered that I have a lot to offer. I love the pure joy mentoring and coaching other women in similar situations brings into my life.
My ultimate hope is that I inspire other women who are faced with sorrow, pain, and uncertainty to reach within and find their own power. It’s never too late and you’re never too old to live the life you want.
My advice is this…dream big; reach for it all, but most importantly LOVE yourself and all your imperfections. It’s the cracks that let the light through because, Love Creates Miracles!
If you’re ready to become the happiest person you know give me a call and let’s get started today! Book I A Discovery Call – It’s FREE!